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Altermie

Ready to tell Mie story!

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altermie

Lost

I am locked in a room 2 by 2,
Standing with my back against the wall.
There is no light in here,
No exit,
No entry and no windows.
No escape is possible…

I don’t know how I got here…

So dark, lonely, the only thing floating here is despair and her friend pain.

I try to breathe but I forgot how to do it.

I am scratching at the walls trying to find a way out.
Screaming somebody help me… Nobody seems to hear.

I keep repeating this mantra “It’s just a phase!”,
this will pass but the words are hollow, there is no faith in them.
No believe that there will be better days, it’s a joke!
When will it be better, I keep hitting walls, I keep hurting.

I hear an echo of laughter, mocking me…

The smile on my face, the make-up I wear keeps people from asking or wondering.

See for everybody else I am walking like there is nothing,
nobody sees my room in which I am being held captivated.
My cell!

I’ve been fighting for better times but they remained absent.
Even love couldn’t numb the pain, I felt.
It brings along a whole other kind of hurts.

And it hurts so much!
Why do I try,
why don’t I give into the despair,
the absence of feelings,
the abyss of sanity.

For who do I try, they all will be better off without me, my mind tells me.
The sick part of my brain keeps taunting me with these kinds of facts.
You can give nothing to no one. They know you’re a sham.
The despair knows my name and keeps on calling, luring me into his web.
There is this lovely void waiting for me.
No pain, no despair, no love, no light but no darkness is there to be found, blissfully nothing…
No cold, no heat… just the absence of all that could be bothering or caring.

Just nothing.

I want to be there.
No worries, no cares, just nothing for ever more.

I want to escape my cell, want to feel alive, I scratch at the walls, I want out, it scares me!
I do want happiness and feel love…

I keep scratching at the walls trying to break free, my fingers bleed from all the scratching at the walls…

It’s then when I go dark, I don’t see things clearly no more.
There is so much pain and despair in this little room.
The metallic sent of blood reaches my nose and it makes me want to see more blood.
I start scratching at myself. It hurts but somehow it makes me feel… alive.

It numbs all the other pains that I am fighting against.

The idea forms in my mind, I know where my arteries are and I start picking at them in my neck , my thighs…
it hurts but less than I anticipated.
So I keep on scratching, I start to bleed a lot.
I feel the blood trickling.
It gives me peace.
I can feel life exiting out of my body and then all of a sudden there is light… Almost touchable!

A warm light, a loving light, I want to be there! No pain, no despair, just warmth! The ability of thinking clear has left my body far before the blood rushes out.

Light enters and despair fleets, letting hope in. It numbs the pain, it makes me forget why I was hurting. I know the end is near, mentally I have visited all my dear ones, saying goodbye and telling them I love them but they don’t need to worry about me.

The walls start to break down and finally I see the world as it is.
This beautiful place where I couldn’t find peace.
It breaks my heart.

My heart stops beating, I feel peace… finally and then I hear screams far away…
They are moving my body, I want to scream leave me, it is okay.
I don’t want to be alive but they don’t hear me.
The keep pushing, yelling, crying, fighting … for me?!

My heart is beating again, I open my eyes and look around.
I see my kids crying in agony, my mom hysterical, my loved ones covered in blood.
They are screaming angrily: why, why, why… Don’t you know you are loved!

Was I… How come I forgot?!
I can’t believe what I did, why I did it, it seems so trivial now.
I see things clear, I see the aftermath of the things I’ve done and I can’t believe how selfish I was. Couldn’t see it like that then, I only saw this box where I was in, my cell.
A room in which I felt like I was nothing, not worthy of the air I breathe, despair was so big in that place.
There was no hope and no faith that things could ever be different.
It was all too much to carry.
I didn’t think I was worthy of being loved.

Everything was lost on my, nothing touched my heart anymore.
Not even the reasons of my existence could bring my back to feel feelings.

Now I get it… Suicide is not a solution!
It does not end pain, it gives it to others!

Boundaries

Hi!

Growing up in a socially distorted environment I thought I had to fight my surroundings.

Fighting to get out of poverty, fighting to be save, fighting to survive… Silly me!

As we grow up, we see things, take them in but can’t put them in perspective so these surroundings create little demons we take inside us.

These demons give us limitations, we don’t realize that we have them and live by them until something happens and we see those demons!

For example:
You can’t think about being wealthy, if you struggle to find the money to buy food.
The thought of being wealthy is just ridiculous, the thought of this being ridiculous sets boundaries in our head and will keep us from finding wealth.

Inner demons, inner limitations, holding us down and not  letting us to ever break this cycle!

If you are aware, you can change! So let’s change!

It is not the outside surroundings we need to fight it’s our own inner demons we need to get rid of!

This doesn’t need to be about wealth, it can be surviving abuse, being healthy or being happy…

We need to set us free!

Believing we can lose those shackles and do anything we damn well please!

To be free, fierce and limitless!♥

Take care!

Altermie

defining character; altermie.com

The sparrow is sorry for the peacock at the burden of its tail!

Good or bad?!

This post is written in English and in Dutch!
Voor de Nederlandstalige versie, naar beneden gaan!


Hi you!

My mindset is playing tricks on me! It seems to me that I can only choose between wrong or right. There is nothing in between. It is either good or it’s bad!

This type of thinking creates a lot of drama! It reduces everything to be white or black and no grey is a loud! I am getting tired of it!
I wish everything would be that easy: good or bad! But in reality it’s not!

I so want to reduce the drama that comes with this type of thinking! You can’t always choose between good or bad, sometimes it just sucks all around! Or it’s just different, not bad but just not what you’ve expected!

That is what I am practicing! For Mie this is hard! If anyone has some tips for me to create a more healthy way of thinking, please share! I don’t want to be the moral police all of the time… My thinking is giving me more stress then I can handle, so all advice is welcome!

Hope all is going well for you! We are all fighting our inner demons, just be nice to others! It’s free and it creates hope! We can all use a little hope in these trying times!

Take care!

Altermie


Hey jij!

De Laatste tijd word ik gek van mijn eigen manier van denken! Ik herleid alles tot goed of fout. Er is niets tussenin!
Wat je doet is goed of het is slecht! Zwart of wit!

Dit is zo vermoeiend! Ik wou dat dit een correcte benadering was, maar dat is het helaas niet! Het is gewoon niet zo eenvoudig! En deze manier van denken creëert heel wat drama! Bij alles voel ik me verscheurd!
Of je bent goed bezig of je bent fout bezig! Het kan niet zijn dat het niet oftwel goed is oftewel fout. Terwijl je soms enkel kan kiezen tussen fout of fouter, maar dat werkt voor mij niet! Ik maak mezelf zot hiermee!

Dit is echt geen gezonde manier van denken dus als je tips weet om mijn manier van denken te veranderen, alsjeblieft deel het met me! Ik ben mijn innerlijke moraalpolitie zo beu! Alle tips zijn meer dan welkom!

Ik hoop dat alles goed met je gaat! We vechten allemaal wel met onze innerlijke demonen, dus wees lief voor anderen! Het is gratis en het geeft ons hoop! Dat kunnen we allemaal wel gebruiken in deze uitdagende tijden!

Hou je goed!

Altermie

To battle

This post is written in English and in Dutch!
Voor de Nederlands versie, gewoon even naar beneden gaan!


Mieke gsm 525

For all who are fighting/struggling a battle that is invisible for others

Hold on! Better days are coming!

Don’t give up!

This IS temporarily! Life will get better! Just keep on fighting for things to get better and don’t worry so much! Trust the universe, it will make things better in your benefit! Even if you cannot see it, just believe, have faith!

Be grateful whenever you can!
Even for the battle you are fighting for this will make you a stronger person!

Reach out!
Tell someone you don’t have to carry it all on your own! It will help, I promise!

To keep your spirit up! I have made a list of music/video’s to keep you from falling further!

You are strong! You are not alone! You can do this! YES, you can!!!

Take care!

Altermie
Links are at the bottom!


Voor iedereen die het moeilijk heeft!

Hou vol! Er komen betere dagen aan!

Geef niet op!

Dit is tijdelijk! Het leven wordt beter! Blijf strijden voor betere tijden en probeer niet teveel piekeren! Vertrouw het universum, dat het beter wordt voor jou! Ook al kan je het niet zien, geloof hierin, heb hoop!

Wees dankbaar wanneer je kan!
Ook voor het gevecht dat je aan het leveren bent want dit gaat van jou een sterkere persoon maken!

Vertel het aan iemand! Je moet het niet alleen dragen! Praten helpt, dat beloof ik!

Om je moraal op te krikken, heb ik een lijstje gemaakt van muziek/video’s/quotes dat je hopelijk helpt om het een beetje positiever te zien!

Je bent sterk! Je bent niet de enige en JIJ kan dit! Ja, héél zeker!

Hou vol!

Altermie

1 2 3 4 5

Kelly Clarkson – Stronger

Survivor – Eye of the tiger

Tips staying positive 

What dreams may come

Rudimental – Not giving in

Candice Glover – Cried

Sia – Big girls cry

Why I can’t be like everybody else… – Waarom ik niet gelijk iedereen kan doen…

It makes my skin curl… Be you! Stand by yourself! It’s okay to do that!❤ my life!🙂 Don't forget being YOU!!!

Altermie

This post will be written in English and in Dutch
Als je deze post wilt lezen in het Nederlands dan moet je naar beneden gaan


Hi there,

A collegue told Mie in a heated discussion: “Why do you have to make a big deal about it and why can’t you just do like everyone else…

This touched my soul!

You don’t know how I sometimes struggle with myself internally… Don’t stand out, just do it like everyone else…  This is sometimes hard even for Mie! Sometimes I wish I could just fit in… I know what is expected for Mie but can’t pull it off!

I have never fitted in… I was and still am the odd one out! Just doing like everyone else is like putting salt in my coffee… It is just wrong! I debate/question everything and always! I don’t like it, I have struggled with this and…

View original post 647 more words

S.O.S.

This post is written in English and in Dutch.

Hi you!

I hear a lot of scared whispering going on… It’s making me scared too! Will we be able to help all those refugees?! Where will they go? Will we have to give up wealthfare for them?! Are the IS coming and bringing their war to our parts? Scary thoughts?! As a woman, a mother, a daughter, a nurse, I am scared!!!

Then  I look at my belly, I open my refrigerator, my closet and I know again… We have plenty!!! Stop with the scariness! They have nothing, not even the basics, there are fighting to survive! They’re scared for their safety! They don’t have electricity, food, medicine, TV, … Come on, we can do this!

Are most common health problem is overeating!!! We die because we eat too much… Surely we can miss something!

If IS/war are coming, they will find a way! The regular refuge will support the country that is helping them to have a better future! What you give, you will receive!!! So give what you can, because we are living in paradise and it’s about time we realize it! We can adapt and we can make this work! Boundaries are imaginary, you think they are real but they will not keep us safe. Times are changing, you cannot stop change!

Stay positive! YES, YOU CAN!!!

Take care,

Altermie


Hey jij,

Wat is er toch allemaal aan het gebeuren… Zoveel angstig gefluister, het maakt me bang! Gaan we iedereen kunnen helpen?! Waar gaan al die vluchtelingen naar toe, gaan we economisch achteruit doordat we hun gaan helpen?! Staat de IS aan de grens met hun oorlogswandaden? Akelige gedachten?! Als een vrouw, als een moeder, als een verpleegster, als een dochter, als een verpleegkundige, Ik ben bang!!!

Dan kijk ik naar mezelf, ik open mijn koelkast, mijn kast en dan weet ik het weer… We hebben meer dan genoeg! Stop met al die angst! Die vluchtelingen hebben niets, niet de basisbehoeften, ze vechten om te overleven! Ze leven in pure angst! Elektriciteit, voedsel, medicijnen, TV, … , niets hebben ze! Dit kunnen we toch niet zomaar laten?! Komaan, dit kunnen we!

Het grootste gezondheidsprobleem dat we hier hebben, is dat we ons overeten! We eten ons ongezond, dan kunnen we toch wel iets geven!

Als de IS komt, dan vinden ze wel een manier! De gewone vluchteling gaat hard werken om het land dat hun heeft geholpen beter te maken! Wat je geeft, krijg je terug! Dus geef wat je kan! We leven in een paradijs en het wordt tijd dat we dat beseffen! We kunnen ons aanpassen, we kunnen ervoor zorgen dat dit lukt! Grenzen zijn fantasie, je mag denken dat ze echt zijn, maar die grenzen houden ons niet veilig! Tijden veranderen en verandering hou je niet tegen!

Blijf positief! YES, YOU CAN!!!

Hou je goed!

altermie

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